Lost

I'm feeling rather displaced at the moment and I'm not sure why. I'm hoping it'll last only for a temporary moment of time but I feel quite uncertain and on shaky ground. I feel isolated at times and lonely, I think it's mainly because I've been at home for most of this holiday and I'm finding that I feel quite suffocated. Now maybe that's because I haven't seen as many people as I've wanted to, or been out as much as I wanted to or maybe it's because now I'm used to being independent at university, going back to that whole family framework is something that I can't be content with anymore. My parents irritate me. I know that's a fact of life and I'm not alone with that, but it just gets to me more than it used to, I know that they're doing it for "my best interests", I get that, but they don't understand that constantly reprimanding me and criticising me is not going to get what they want any quicker, it just makes me angry and resentful, and I don't like feeling like that because that's not normally how I am, I'm quite the opposite. Now maybe I just need to grow up, but it's not easy. I'm not perfect, I know that but I do my best, and to be criticised makes me feel like my best is not enough. Maybe it's that whole thing about parents wanting to make their children better versions of themselves but the thing is we're not you. Yes, we're your children but we are distinct from you too, we are our own person, with our own desires and thoughts and needs, and sometimes it would be nice if you just left us alone please?

I'm 2o this year and that terrifies me. Maybe what I'm feeling now stems into this fear of being that old, having to really be on my own, and there's all that financial stuff and responsibility that freaks me out. Plus, I don't know what I want to do anymore. I used to be so sure and now I'm not anymore, there are paths which I can go down, all different things, but it's making the right choice. And I know life doesn't necessarily work out like this, but I don't want to be stuck in a job that I hate for however many years, I just want to be happy. That's not too much to ask for is it?