Beauty and Match.com

I've had a nice couple of days. I saw a good friend of mine today and even though it was only a few hours that we got to spend together, it was lovely. We spent most of our time reminiscing about college and how great it was. I have to admit I do miss it, it was nice to be sort of semi-independent and yet come home at the end of the day and the people I met were wonderful. I suppose also it's the first beginnings of you becoming more of an adult, having a bit more control over how you are going to govern your life and your own choices yet you can still enjoy yourself as you don't have to be on your own quite just yet, it's sort of a nice middle place to be in, but I suppose however much we'd like time to stand still (god I know I've wished it to so many times), you can't stop time as things will move on and things will change and that is the transient nature of life as we all know.

I saw my best friend yesterday and it was nice just to be at her house, get teased by her stepdad, have a nice chat with her over a cuppa. It's not something particularly special or exciting, but I don't mind that because it was nice just getting to relax a little bit and spend time with her even when she created me an account on match.com and now I keep getting emails, oh dear me. I'll give it a few months and then if there's nothing on the relationship front I probably will be tempted to pick someone on there. But I'm only 19 so I'm hoping that there's a bit of hope left for me yet!

I want to dedicate this blog to someone who is very special to me. She is the one person that I pretty much look forward to seeing when I come home from university and when I don't see her, I miss her like crazy. My sister is beautiful both inside and outside. She is so beautiful and the the insane thing is that she doesn't even realise it. She is perfect and she can't even see it, even when I point it out to her but I want her to know that she is. And I'm going to be so jealous when she meets someone who she falls in love with and I'm not going to have her attention 24/7. She is someone who I tell everything to, who I team up with in our battles against the parents, who I can completely be insane with as she is far more insane than me and that's great. There are no boundaries between us, no constrictions, we are completely ourselves, we act as we want to act, we can be as we want to be and that's simply wonderful. She makes me laugh till I cry and always manages to cheer me up whether that's just giving me a hug or doing her crazy crab dance, she is wonderful and I love her to pieces, I don't honestly know what I would do without her and her crazy ways. Whether that's doing our sexy dancing in the kitchen or harmonizing in the bathroom, I completely let go when I'm with her and I feel immensely privileged to have this girl in my life.

She is truely perfect and my soul mate and I love her.

Lost

I'm feeling rather displaced at the moment and I'm not sure why. I'm hoping it'll last only for a temporary moment of time but I feel quite uncertain and on shaky ground. I feel isolated at times and lonely, I think it's mainly because I've been at home for most of this holiday and I'm finding that I feel quite suffocated. Now maybe that's because I haven't seen as many people as I've wanted to, or been out as much as I wanted to or maybe it's because now I'm used to being independent at university, going back to that whole family framework is something that I can't be content with anymore. My parents irritate me. I know that's a fact of life and I'm not alone with that, but it just gets to me more than it used to, I know that they're doing it for "my best interests", I get that, but they don't understand that constantly reprimanding me and criticising me is not going to get what they want any quicker, it just makes me angry and resentful, and I don't like feeling like that because that's not normally how I am, I'm quite the opposite. Now maybe I just need to grow up, but it's not easy. I'm not perfect, I know that but I do my best, and to be criticised makes me feel like my best is not enough. Maybe it's that whole thing about parents wanting to make their children better versions of themselves but the thing is we're not you. Yes, we're your children but we are distinct from you too, we are our own person, with our own desires and thoughts and needs, and sometimes it would be nice if you just left us alone please?

I'm 2o this year and that terrifies me. Maybe what I'm feeling now stems into this fear of being that old, having to really be on my own, and there's all that financial stuff and responsibility that freaks me out. Plus, I don't know what I want to do anymore. I used to be so sure and now I'm not anymore, there are paths which I can go down, all different things, but it's making the right choice. And I know life doesn't necessarily work out like this, but I don't want to be stuck in a job that I hate for however many years, I just want to be happy. That's not too much to ask for is it?

Her

I haven't posted in a while, but I want my first post on this blog to be dedicated to someone, and that person is my best friend. "Best friend" sometimes can sound to be a bit of a cliché, we all have friends but for some it can be difficult to find someone who hits that extra mark, someone who is faithful to you and honest, someone who not only cares about you but who operates on the same level as you. It is a privilege to know someone like that, and I'm not trying to be overly gushy or soppy, I'm speaking genuinely and truthfully. I do not know what I would do without this person, this person who is so beautiful, intelligent and funny, who I can be myself with, I can be completely crazy and that's fine. Even though most of the time I'm at uni, when I meet up with her, whether that's in the day or she's staying over and she's telling me a story about work, or we're reminiscing about the past, I feel like I'm in year 10 again and it's a wonderful position to be in. You don't need to worry about being responsible or mature or worry about finance or jobs or work, you can just be you and I think it's a great thing to go back to that.

It's comforting to know that even though everyone complains about the state of humanity these days, there are some things that are somehow irreducible, and I think that friendship is one of those things that make us really human and that is something I am grateful for.